Loneliness

Deutsche Version: Einzelhaft

These years consist largely of my childhood, but also of large parts of my adult life. This also includes the last 2-3 years.

Loneliness for me mainly means that i have no girl friend or wife. But even in my childhood, my number of aquaintences was quite manageable.

I did have a few good friends, though, and i am very grateful for them, even though my inner bastard rarely contacts them.

I find this state of "loneliness" not very worth living.

Now the question arises, what took me so long to come to this conclusion.

It's quite simple. I've only noticed it just now. After all, i have never known life any other way. In addition, i always thought that i was probably doing something wrong, or that i was inadequate in other respects.

Recently i have come to the conclusion that there are disabilities that actually prevent me from leading a dignified life.

The first problem is that i am not very good at small talk. i am generally not that talkative, but even less with strangers. This is not because i don't like talking to strangers, but rather because i just don't know what to say. When i tried to fight this phenomenon in the past, it usually resulted in a trainwreck, so i found it better to just shut up.

I don't know the background of why this is. I suppose you learn these things as a child when you have other people around you. But maybe i did, and i was just being too stupid.

Anyway, my first handicap is that i'm a social mute.

In social life, this usually leads to me remaining a stranger, and not getting to know people. That includes women.

In spite of this handicap, there were few times in my life where, through pure luck and beyond my control, i met someone. This was often through the influence of others. These moments lead to the three longer relationships in my life. There have only been 4 altogether.

The next problem i have is that pretty much all communication that goes between the lines go right over my head. I'm downright immune in most cases, and just don't get it.

I remember being taught at a young age that what i thought i understood was actually quite different. This led to massive doubts about my perception, so that i later simply ignored this part.

So now it turns out that i am not only mute, but also blind and deaf.

To sum it up now, i realize that i am socially deaf, dumb and blind, which in my opinion is quite a disability. But now comes the best part.

Nobody knows about it.

In any case, it looks like i'll spend the next 30 years in solitary confinement as well. So far i have not been able to alter my fate regarding this in any way.

If i add to that my desire to have children at his point, then it's safe to we're done here.

Tough shit, but at least it's out now.